inside-outside: metamorphosis

This is like knowing what you want to write, but not really being sure, if you should put down everything here....

This is my online diary..... This is me... I tell others..... well..hmm...ah ...Whom am I kidding..... This is just fiction...and I am just an author.... another writer....perhaps on one level just a character.... sometimes the protagonist.... I write about my life..... but I distort the truth.

That's fucking OK.... who doesn't distort the truth.....It's not like I am lying... I am not answerable to anyone who reads me here (or even elsewhere).... and even if I lie... My Lies don't hurt no one...

I dream and I live.....I live and I dream.... I dream about my life and probably I am also living a dream. Sometimes fun, sometimes funnier, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes black and sometimes melancholic, thats my dream and also my life. I dream about a different world where I transform into a snake....a snake that has legs.... many legs....and yet unable to walk or move......I just lie under a dead tree and all possible strange creatures come and mate with me....produce our offspring's and go away in few minutes.....somehow I don't enjoy sex with them.

This makes me a different man.... and different person. Someone who is not what he is and even if he is what is shown here......he is that in a very different sense all together.

I am a writers block.....I am that menopause that is probably more orgasmic than death..... I am his guilt and yet his passion.....I am not the poetry he once vouched by.... but instead I am that "Father" he never mentioned.... I control him the way I want to, the way he always wanted to be dominated....I use him in dark dingy corners of the city......

He brutally murders me daily; at least thats what he thinks, the fact is that I am immortal.....so is he....call us Siamese's twins.....or a father and son duo....I love him and he loves me....only that I love him more than he loves me..... we never tell each other that.... we just know it and we don't want even a small bit to change.

He still doesn't want to write about me. He is not yet sure, he is scared. But I will convince him.... if not that I will force him...he loves being submissive.... or may be he is just fooling everyone.....he knows what he does... he knows how he wants to do what he wants to do.....he knows how you will look at him, he knows what I will say...what you'd say..you'd do.... your actions and reactions....he is a super computer... he is his fathers son and they have not talked for ten years.....

Life is changing. And It's changing fast.

The moon looked pretty today....

The moon looked really pretty today......actually when I was driving to my dentist in the evening the sunset was also very pretty.... but i didn't have my camera....anyways I need a better camera for clicking moon.....

Talking about the dentist...I went there for some repair work that one of my fillings needed..... Apparently it hurt a lot today.....my dentist is super cool though..... but anyways the important part was that I finally confronted him about the "root canal" thingy I watched on the youtube.....you know like how root canal is not a good thing and can be very dangerous. I don’t know whom to believe..... damn-shit-piss I shuddaavetaken better care of my teeth when I was a teenager.... I screwed it..

I got a call from Smita...... Last time I met her was at the college alumni. We talked for almost an hour..... she is married and settled in Gurgaon....

Big Guy on scooter

So I was driving to work....and this guy was riding in front of me..... I don't want to be mean in any way to this guy.... but I just had to take this pic..... poor scooter.....

In the backseat of the car

A dozen déjà vu's

Those unturned pages,

Novels not yet edited,

Characters still in love.....

Images recorded on magnetic tapes...

Boring Movies with good music...

Addicts and obsessive addictions....

unheard towns and destinations....

Greatest hits and spiritual leaders......

Cheesecake

Before I went to Bangkok (last month) I saw that episode from Friends where Chandler and Rachel get hooked on awesome Cheesecakes which were wrongly delivered at their address.

I guess that did it....I have been yearning for Cheesecakes since that moment.....Honestly this craving is really bad....even when I was in Thailand..I was thinking about that perfect cheesecake..In fact I saw cheesecake at one of the restaurants and I ordered it immediately.....but it tasted awful.....

It was driving me crazy all this time.... so on my way to work today I stopped at Nirulas ....apparently they make cheesecake only on special order. I tried another coffee shop.....they didn't really have plain cheesecake......They had mango flavored cheese cake. I took it anyways....Now that was good....actually it was very good....but it still wasn't cheesecake......I have been looking up at recipes on internet....but I really doubt that I can bake it myself.....

Sh-IT happens....well for me its happening now...

Whats wrong with me.... I used to be OK....things are just not going right.... are they even suppose to go right.... everything is falling apart....

What is it....honestly what the fuck is it ..... is it the cracked windscreen of my car...thats bringing me bad luck pretty much from everywhere.....last three months have been awful... really dumb and so full of shit......I have never felt this shitty(metaphorically)....

I mean last three months have been really lousy...

Dead Bull

This could have gone on my "Photo" Blog... but I clicked this from my car; I guess thats why it belongs to this blog.

This is just before the bridge to Kalandi Kunj. I was driving towards Sarita Vihar and the traffic was slow....I saw this poor dead thing on the divider..I don't know why but a lot of people think that this is some kindda fake pic.

foolball, smoking, break up etc....

We have a football match today!! I am all set....we have to wear red T-shirts....thats bloody!!

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I am trying to quit smoking, but the ciggy pack in the dashboard is seducing me...I feel like giving in....It's just one ciggy....


I have started taking ayurvedic capsules.....


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I have to take a Road Trip...probably just me and a few friends...from here to Kanyakumari or Ladakh....

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Amit broke up with Itee....(or may be she broke up with him) isn't that great!!

Today I got an email from Pankaj, he also had a break up....Amazing!! I think it's the break up season....

on dreams

I went on a funeral yesterday and then I dreamt that my father died.



2 days later



I have been having really stupid dreams...dreams about things so distant and things that I don't think about normally. then of course there are dreams of my fucked up life. I celebrated my Birthday by doing nothing......I had to take a gift from N@% .... so you can imagine.

I need to wait here till December at least.... I can't leave before that.....but in the meanwhile I can make plans....

"In your head...they are still fighting....they are dying...." I will kill them all... and then may be I will be happy...

Madman: Sarita Vihar crossing

Everyone has a sense of space or home. Now, even a madman has that.....It's weird that for past one week I have noticed this one madman on the same road every time I am driving to work.

May be they define their area in their own way. Today I remember the lines (gibberish) from Manto's Toba Tek Singh

"Upri gur gur di annexe di be-dhiyan o mung di daal of di lalteen."

Just the fact that a madman draws boundaries around him in his own way is remarkable and tells you why we need a home. why a human heart/brain yearns for that space.

When I was thrown out of house at the age of 12....first thing I did was create my own space in the park.



(After about two weeks)


Remember the madman of Sarita Vihar-I did not see him for a few days......I though he is dead.....may be he was out for a vacation.....this could be a nice song:

Madman on a vacation
I missed his sight on the street....

I will complete this song one day.
but he came back today....